In the month of the resolution, it's a blessed thing to read something in Pyschology Today about breaking the aspirational limbo. As a list maker and goal setter, I've always thought it was a good thing to forge on, do what I said I was going to, and conquer the deadline. It gets things done. But the flip of it, is the feeling of missed opportunity that you could have done things more efficiently, accomplished more, or even more draining -- the thought that you are behind. And when it's just your internal vision of how you have pictured your life going,
"The contender syndrome is subtly different from envy. It's more of not living up to the best you, rather than not living up to the best Albert Einstein." - (Abby Ellin, Pyschology Today jan/aug 2010)
there is nothing to tell to relax, no one to tell you to just sit in this moment and enjoy it, nothing to compare it to tell you are on track. And I thought it was just how it was when you had plans and dreams, removed from things more superficial like stuff accumulation. but then i realized, it is a not satisfied with the journey thing, not really any different from living life waiting for a new couch or another holiday.
and that's when i realized that my 2011 resolution is going to be about riding out the year, plan in hand, but the other in the air just revelling in the getting there without angst if it takes turns different than i anticipated.
because even the everyday journey is a thing of pleasures all its own. regular family dinners (which i loved even more after i read harvard med school's research on them in the making of happy and resilient childhoods "Dinners are to families like sex is to couples. They are a medium for connection." - Anne Fishel Harvard med school as reported in Parents Canada November/December 2010. totally makes sense) time for connection with friends over the life stuff that really matters, and date nights at home with d. add the cherries on top (writing, starbucks, reading, thrifting, and the making of girlie crafts like this weekend's stripey shirt bloom -- inspired by my sister's cutie new joe shirt) and i know what is meant to transpire will, and the rest will have to wait for the year after or morph into a different vision. and that's ok.
less than 12 hours til the next writing session. i can't wait. ok, i can. while i read, and hang out with d, and tuck those reluctant kiddies in, but then when i wake up, then i can't wait ;)